he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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