It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
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