you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
