i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
