Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
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We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
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I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?