what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
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Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
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Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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