Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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