omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
