I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
