Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
