I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
