It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
