dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
