all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
