did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
