There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
