I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I just found a bag of teeth...
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
