I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
