I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I would ride that face into the sunset
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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