Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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