He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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