I puked a lego.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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