I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
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