i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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