My nipple is on Facebook.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
