apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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