The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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