Don't make out with my wife yet
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
