meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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