I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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