A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
