Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
