Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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