I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
