Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
