Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
