I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
