I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
