I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
