Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
