They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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