My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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