well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
