Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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