Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
