i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
