I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
