I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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