All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
