I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
