my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
