I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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