oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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