so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
