I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I deserve this hangover.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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