her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
