Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
