I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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