He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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